I recently experienced a betrayal from a close friend. I don’t know what else to say about it; I feel sad and angry and confused and doubtful and betrayed and cynical because it seems like placing my trust in her was for nothing. I wanted to put all of these feelings down in a post, and this was the result. This was written really quickly and not edited, so I apologize for any mistakes. I just wanted to put my emotions out there, instead of letting them stew and seethe inside in an unhealthy manner. (Also, some creative license has been taken.)
(Finally, I recently started my junior year in high school, so updates are going to be less often.)
This is the aftermath: the moment when you’re left with the consequences, your thoughts vigorously attacking your mind with rue. The past cannot be changed, you know this, but these regrets only serve to make your hurt and grief sting all the more.
You are not able to forget easily, no matter how hard you try. There are (too) many reminders; everyday, the figurative bandages are ripped off, and the wounds bleed afresh.
Your heart aches, a spasm of pain with every beat. Your skin is disrupted by scars, shining silver. They will fade with time. At least, you hope so. You need so.
You want to remember, and you want to forget. A bifurcation of yourself haunts you. There is a Before and an After.
Perhaps, a clean break will be better. Then you will be completely free of the deceit and of the doubt you feel when you wonder whether the friendship that you both had was real. There is no way to know for certain.
No tears are shed. She does not deserve them. They are a luxury she cannot afford.
Her pretense continues. Now that you know, her smiles look false, and you cannot bear to truly look into her eyes. You want to take back your hugs and your compliments and your secrets shared. This is not possible.
But a clean break will not do. You must stay to protect the others from her deception; it is your duty because only you know. At the same time, she must not find out that you know. It is a twisted game, in which only one of the players knows she is participating. You create your own falsehood, a necessary evil. You claim that it is a necessary evil, but you are unsure. Maybe you will stay like this forever, always perpetuating this fake friendship because you are too afraid to act.
If you glance ahead, there is no visible end to this. You are tired, so very tired.
When this invisible conflict is eons ago, only then will you know the true ramifications.
But for now? Only uncertainty.